It’s Wednesday, I’m tired and I have nothing to say. So, I’ll say it anyway: What will it take to get the war declared illegal? At what point does lying, invading a foreign country, torturing and murdering its people and getting Americans killed for no valid reason become an impeachable offense? Or do we only impeach if someone’s dress gets stained? Ah, screw it. If we can’t torture and kill a few muslims for the fun of it, the terrorists have won, right?
Oliphant Parts
Reframing Reality
Archives: January 2005
Judicial Ass-hat
If I ever decide to become an abusive husband, it looks like the state of Washington is the place to live. So the fact that he is currently in jail for domestic assault and faces federal drug charges aren’t a sign that this man shouldn’t be married? Yeah, this makes sense.
More more
I don’t know if it was the magazine or the statement, but my wife did not like me handing her the adverts for more. I handed her the envelope and said “Dear, I think this is for you . . . it’s a magazine for old broads.”
In return, she hit me and reminded me that she is younger than I am. She must be having a bad day. Cranky, cranky, cranky.
MORE
WTF? First it was ISO. Now it’s “GO girl!” Introducing the one magazine that celebrates women over 40. Get a full year free! So, are the market droids assuming that I am a woman over 40, or that I am attracted to women over 40? I hadn’t really thought about age limits, but I don’t think I’ll spend a disproportionate amount of time fantasizing about the 40-plus set yet. Why do I get these offers? Is Nathan a common name for a woman?
Okay, I have to open the envelope and see what they’re pushing. Ah, ageless beauty and style secrets, the good divorce, passing the torch, and lots of shoes. I think there may be a mistake here. First, it turns out the magazine is called more. As in more advertising and more articles that are not relevant to me. Second, I don’t see a single article oriented towards the 36 year-old male computer programmer. Sorry more, but I think I will pass this time. Ask me again in four years when I am actually forty. Maybe by then I’ll be into gender reassignment and interested in your article. In the meantime, I’ll pass the envelope and flyers on to my wife and see if she is interested. Women love it when you claim they are older than they really are, right?
Walk Softly
Over at Great Seats, there are still tickets available for a viewing of the 2005 Presidential Inaugural Balls. So, will they be shaved, or natural?
Comments, Resolutions
Comments I made last week prompted some of you to accuse me of being cold-hearted. I’m not. Rip my heart from my chest and you will find that it is actually quite warm. Actually, please just accept my word for it and leave my heart alone; I really do enjoy my life, high blood pressure, stress, excess weight, overwhelming laziness and all. Also, if you’re going to comment, leave it on the site, don’t email me. I’m horrible about email (probably because 90-95% of what I get is spam) and only read it once or twice a week.
So, it’s January 10th, and I am not sure about my resolutions this year. I ended up only making one resolution this year, then ran out of ideas. I resolved to keep all of my resolutions. So, how do I know if I’ve failed or succeeded? I’m so confused I may have to just sit back and cry . . .
Potential
And this from USA Today:
<quote>
Bush “likes somebody he sees as having overcome potential disadvantages, because he sees himself as having done that,” says Paul Burka, executive editor of Texas Monthly magazine and a close follower of the president.
</quote>
Uh, yeah. It’s rough when you want your dad to buy you the Yankees, and all you get are the Houston Astros. Or am I missing the point? Should the emphasis have been on potential, in which case, poverty is a potential disadvantage Bush overcame. If he hadn’t come from a wealthy family, he could have been poor. Come to think of it, Bush should like me: I potentially could have been blind, crippled, dead, disfigured, Republican, or any number of other horrible things. I’m not, but the potential was there. Hey Mr. President, how about making me the Attorney General? Wait, I don’t support terrorism or torture. I guess that makes me ineligible.
Four Areas
This from Reuters: “Bush Says Four Iraqi Areas Pose Voting Challenges”
Which four areas? The North, South, East, and West?
Anyway, that’s it for this morning. I’m still a cripple, and too lazy to type in everything I wrote earlier this week. Although I’m sure googlebot, msnbot, and the rest of you bots out there that make up the bulk of my readership are just dying for more . . .
Pain In The Neck
Sorry, no posts for yesterday. I hurt my lower back earlier this week and have been a bit cranky. Now I just can’t move my head to the left and right. It’s great being in incredibly poor shape. If I were an egg, I’d be in great shape, actually. So, I hurt and have become more hostile than usual. Makes me think of things like the following: “I was going to donate to the Tsunami Aid Fund . . . until I found out it went to the victims.” Terrible, terrible stuff. Next I’ll be bashing the homeless. I shouldn’t complain about them crapping on my sidewalk; I’m the one walking through their bathroom.
End Of The Year (belated)
2004 ended with a terrible, horrible, tragic disaster (as opposed to the perky, chirpy, happy type?), the news of which shook the world. Fear, anger, sadness. All words, some of which may have described people’s feelings. Terrible things which affected us all. Yep, Anna Nicole Smith isn’t getting a dime. Thanks Anna, for reminding us all what is really important. It’s a shame you’re too old for the horny octogenarian set these days . . . I guess you’re going to have to get a real job.
In other news, a tsunami caused a bit of devastation in Southeast Asia, and I would like to thank all those happy Kansas Baptists for pointing out the real cause: gay Swedes. Silly me, thinking it was just an act of nature (overly dramatic, hammy, and completely lacking in nuance). So, who wants to break it to God that there are probably a lot more gay Swedes in Sweden than in Thailand?
Which begs the question: What do you do when your God gets a little older and somewhat confused? Is there an assisted living facility for almighty beings that are past their prime? Or can we just send him off to Topeka to spend time with His chosen people? Ah, Topeka, it’s not just for tornadoes anymore. Now with more Intolerance and Incredibly Stupid Statements!
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