Oliphant Parts

Today would be a good day for a new episode of BOFH. Of which, dammit, there is not. At least I’ve shaken my headache of the past two days.

So, what are the criteria for being moderately amusing? Do I need to write something amusing, or does my appearance count? How about instead of amusing, I go for creative? Here is my new step-style poetry scheme:

Hawk
flies overhead
floating on thermals
while far below, afraid,
a fieldmouse quivers in fear.

Okay, not all that creative, but hopefully the 1-2-3-4-5 word scheme is new. Or am I just ignorant? It’s like haiku for people who find the whole 5-7-5 syllable scheme to be too complex.

Beer
flowing freely
converted to urine
dribbles on my shoe
I really need to aim better.

The same image of beauty could be expressed in Haiku as follows:
Beer flowing freely
dribbling into my shoe
I need better aim.
(more…)

Sun! Glorious sun!
I’d like to lay out
and tan my bum!
But no, oh foo!
I’ve got work to do.

Still, Spring has come,
and with it,
so has the sun.

Snow-capped peaks
and fields of green,
a dappling of dew,
a pair of deer
doing something obscene!
Oh how I love
this schizophrenic time of year!
(more…)

I tried to look myself up on myspace and all I got was this:

“Your search bears no result.”

I prefer “There are no results”, “There are 0 results”, or some derivative of same. “You search bears no result” sounds as if I put more effort into it, and failed. True, I failed to find myself (on myspace — in the world, I find myself fairly easily), but do they really need to highlight my failure in such a depressing way?

So, I’ve added a myspace profile, just to see what it is all about. Other than Susie Felber, whom I usually ogle here, or Rachel Kramer Bussel, who really makes me wish I was a cupcake every time I look at her picture on Susie’s space, I haven’t found a reason to visit myspace.
(more…)

Oh, the joys of being wise. Or maybe not quite wise, but perceived as wise by those who should know better. I received a call from one of my many brothers-in-law (brother-in-laws?):

Him: “Are you busy?”
Me: “No, just working.”
Him: “Good. Are you near your computer?”
Me: “No, but I could be. What do you want?”
Him: “Look up itidata.org.” (note: I’m not going to include a link, since they appear to be a typical sleazy “Make millions working from home and in your sleep” site.)
Me: “What, is this another one of your “get rich quick” schemes?”
Him: “Just look it up and tell me what you think.”
Me: “Okay . . . yep, a scam.”
Him: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Well, it looks like one, and . . .” tap-tap-tap “yep, per any link I can google, it looks like one. You pay them 99 bucks and they ignore you. Sounds like a scam to me.”
Him: “Oh, okay, bye.”
(more…)

Ugh. Rough day. Rough week. Rough month. Where the hell are my pennies from heaven and all that (and adjusted for inflation, wouldn’t it more likely be $20 bills from heaven?)? Two more work days to go, and the weekend is here, and I get to wish I could relax. Between soccer for the boy-child, volleyball for the girl-child, taking the wife out (why do I open my yap and act like I actually like spending time in public?) and the inevitable flood of household chores and maintenance, relaxation is not bloody likely. Enough about the weekend, let’s talk about me!

So, what’s up with me, you ask? My new trainer is evil. I can’t use humour to quadruple my rest periods between exercises, so I basically have a full hour of actually doing unpleasant sweaty stuff on various machines, unlike my time with Jessica (silly rabbit!). Anway, I’m not so sure I will still be able to move by this weekend, which might work to my benefit — how can I be expected to operate a gas-powered post hole digger if I am incapacitated? Hey, things are looking up already . . .