The spammers are hard at work, trying to get me to post their links. At least a few go through the effort to try to sound relevant to the subject. For my post yesterday, I got the following: “happy st patricks day! Wear green, eat four leaf clovers, and prance around sprinkling lucky charms on people.” Thanks, random spammer who has been trying to get me to link to a site selling laptop batteries!

Hopefully nobody received spam from me this weekend. If so, I apologize, and hey, suck it up! I am not sure, but I think my main email account was compromised for a few hours, judging by all of the bounceback messages filling my inbox Saturday morning. Apparently, I was advertising Sexy Russian Brides and various erectile dysfunction meds. Considering that I prefer my brides imaginary and fully support dysfunctional erections, it obviously was not me sending out this crap.

So, how was your weekend? Good, good. Hopefully you were not too embarrassed when KHSU broadcast a story about 14.5 tons of stolen oysters and referred to them as crustaceans. I, of course, was mortified. Everyone knows that oysters are slime molds, not crustaceans. Sorry, that is a Eurostory, so that would 14.4 tonnes, not tons. I have no idea how much that is in coconuts, but am fairly certain that a swallow, European or African, would have some difficulty carrying that many oysters.

I just paid $84 for a tank of gas. The average price, per NPR or whomever KHSU was playing at the time, for a gallon of gas in the U.S. is $3.50. At $4.11 per gallon, we are most definitely above average, but not in a Lake Wobegon way, which sucks most highly. I have started researching electric vehicles, but do not know what to get yet. I am cheap, but would like something that could get me to 6 Rivers Brewery and back. That means freeway speeds and a 20-30 mile range. A wiser me would accept a NEV and make the wife take care of anything that requires traveling further than Trinidad. A NEV would have the range to get me to 6 Rivers, but unless it had off-road capabilities so that I could cruise along the shoreline and avoid the freeway, the speed and safety limitations would make a trip to the brewery illegal. For our main vehicle, I think a hybrid would make more sense than something all-electric, as we do like to take excruciatingly long car trips on occasion.

What else? The boy-child has been on a tea kick of late, which explains why our house is littered with tea bags and wrappers. It would be nice if he would learn how to clean up after himself. I discovered a half-gallon yogurt container full of used tea bags behind the couch last night. Maybe it’s a science experiment . . .

And I realize that the holidays have passed, but I’ve had this delightful Christmas ditty from the Pogues going through my mind all weekend:

“You´re a bum you´re a punk
You´re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last.”

And with that, I wish you all a good week.

Well this is disturbing: Two of the top five searches used to reach my site appear to be attempts to get to child pornography, beating out the search for “flushmaster plungers.” I wish the stats page would show who actually did these searches. I guess I could look through my access logs, but that would require too much effort on my part. Anyway, for you folks trying to get to “preteens” and “preteen Topanga” you have reached the wrong site. Unless you are here to hear me discuss my preteen days in Topanga, sacking up for nude tennis. If so, you’re welcome. And for the rest of you, I will try to make brain bleach available to rinse that image from your minds.

(warning, some may find my included links NSFW)

Some days you learn way more than you ever wanted to know, whether it be about home remedies for depression, or the latest in yoghurt toppings.

I am still trying to decide if the PT article is an attempt to convince women to have more unprotected sex with psychologists (“Hey baby, what’s your sign? Want a little injection of antidepressant?”) or completely serious. Somehow I missed the sourced article in Scientific American, although I am guessing it was only in the online version, not the print version.

As for Mr. Yoghurt, all I can say is I hope you have developed a taste for the stuff, because you are probably going to be receiving your own tainted samples in prison. Sorry dude, but what you did is WRONG!

And as disgusting as Yoghurt Love was, the majority of the commenters on both of the yoghurt links are just as offensive and wrong. They bounce between claiming she deserved it because she can identify the taste of semen, and claiming that, with a last name of Garcia, of course he is going to do something like this be he is obviously here illegally. I am not sure if these people fall into the category of stupid or evil, or if it is a bit of both. First, no person, deserves to be assaulted, sexually or otherwise. There is no dress code that excuses rape or assault. Neither is there a conduct code.

As for identifying someone’s legal status in this country — really, are you that stupid? Even if he were here illegally, which is not stated in the article and should not be an issue, how does that make it more likely that he would do something like this? Illegal immigrants manage to stay here by avoiding possible confrontations with the law. Donating to the Jizz of the Month club is not an inconspicuous action. Assholes who hate women do this sort of thing, which is a description that crosses nationalities and residency statuses. This was not about immigration, this was about power and hate.

So let us have a quiz. If you can answer yes to any of the following questions, congratulations!- your a complete and utter douche:
1. A woman deserves whatever happens to her if she is dressed alluringly.
2. A woman deserves whatever happens to her if she is sexually active.
3. A woman deserves whatever happens to her if she can identify semen.
4. You can tell whether someone should be in this country or not by their name.
5. You find slipping a little sperm into other people’s food amusing.

Hopefully everyone I know scores a zero on today’s quiz.

Damn you, NPR!. You’ve issued a challenge and now I am thinking of keeping this thing going, at least long enough to pump out six hundred words in some semblance of order. Now I need some ideas to rattle ’round in my empty head.

Six hundred is actually the maximum, not minimum, so perhaps Hemingway could provide some inspiration:

“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

Ernest Hemingway was known for terse prose, this being him at his tersest. An entire story, emotionally charged and saying much more than is printed, in six words and three marks of punctuation. I cannot boil the story down to its essence like that. Hell, I can barely maintain control of my meandering words as they spin further and further from the point. At least I have until Sunday to figure this out. Obviously, with tears and a joke as part of the mix, there is no way I can parse it down to a single sentence. Is anybody else interested in joining me in this?

Ugh. So tired. I think I’m done, ready to wrap up this blog and throw it away. Words are useless, painful things that distract me from the task at hand. I write code now, not stories or bad poetry. And I refuse to blog about code. Is there any point in continuing with this thing? If there is, I don’t see it. I’ve noticed a lot of other blogs going by the wayside as their authors wised up and moved on with their lives. It is time I did the same.

I discovered a dark secret last night. My son, at age ten, is living up the blogger stereotype. He is unemployed, living in his parents’ basement, and wears sweatpants all day. And has his own blog, which he updates more than I update mine. I should buy him a bag of Cheetos so he can stain his fingers and keyboard and perfectly round out the image. Imagine, living the dream by ten. I need to teach him to type in all-caps and get him on Wonkette next. I guess I have one more website to monitor every day. Sigh . . .

Oh hey, I’ve found god! It turns out he was busy making podcasts and kind of tuned us all out, which explains why everybody keeps searching so hard for him. His creator, apparently, is a former Mormon. Trippy, man (yes, I am high on stress and lack of sleep).

Okay, that’s it. Hopefully the boy-child will forget to post today and I can pull ahead in the great blogger wars.

Attention G-DUB (Tard Sauce), Penis Cheney (Evil Sauce), Walnuts McCain (Apple Sauce), Bubba Clinton (Dick Sauce), Phil Gramm (Whine Sauce) and the rest of you assholes who forgot about the whole Great Depression and thought deregulation was a good idea: It’s the deregulation, stupids! Privatized profits, socialized losses. And yet, no social health care. Why is socialism good when it comes to banks and large corporations, yet so very very evil when it comes to the actual citizens of this country?

It is apparently not fiscal conservatism that drives the Republican machine (once again, yes, I know that Clinton is not a registered Republican), but rather pure greed, hate, lies and hypocrisy. For all your bluster about the evils of socialism, you are quick to jump off your privatization high-horse and screw the average American with bailouts of your own colossal fuckups. Repeal the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, close the “Enron Loophole” and reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act. There is a reason that we built protection in there after the excitement of our first Great Depression. Honestly, it wasn’t so great, so why are you morons so keen on reliving it? Every motherfucking one of you idiots involved in deregulation should be stripped of everything you own to pay back the American people. Haven’t we learned yet that conservative values lead to a complete meltdown that apparently can only be resolved with the application of liberal values? You should all be forced to spend the next five and a half years! being repeatedly kicked in the testicles for eight hours a day. After that, if you’ve somehow accepted that greed is bad, responsibility good, we can revisit whether the kickings should continue for another five and a half years.

This is ridiculous. As an average American (too fat, not overly-bright, and fearful of change. I don’t own a gun, but am seriously considering it. Sure, I believe that religion in this country has been seriously perverted by fundamentalists, so keep your god off of me. But I am willing to drink like a fish and be bitter, so I think I still work out as somehow average), I don’t want to have to learn about Glass-Steagal, worry about how much of the country you’ve already sold to the Chinese or hear one more story about some complete moron who gets $25 million just for being the CEO of a failed institution. Just fix the shit and get the hell out of the way. Regulate, since it is obvious that when it comes to everything, we don’t consider the best interests of our planet, much less our neighbors. And please, for gods’ sakes and ours, get a fucking clue.

p.s. — As for energy independence, how is drilling more going to help when oil is globalized? It’s not like American oil stays in America. It is a (relatively) free market, you fuckwads! And besides, it sounds like when it comes to Drill Here, Drill Now!, you’re doing it wrong.

And hey, McCain, if you and Palin somehow win this thing, remember that I’ve seen a checkbook, so I am highly qualified to run the treasury under your administration. Please send me whatever paperwork I need to sign for the job.

Okay, I feel better now.

Sorry to get geeky here, but thanks to Matt, my Bookmarks Order Widget is a bit less buggy now and available here.

It’s a work in progress, but my new theme is up. Let me know if it’s interesting, acceptable or just annoying as all hell. I am removing all other themes from my system for now, so if you load my site and it looks funky, just do a hard refresh, or wipe your browser’s cache. The monkey and the banana peel are from Open ClipArt and the theme is based on “Gone Fishing” by Designer Daily.