Okay, twenty more minutes to the Rapture. Have you made arrangements for your pets yet? I think I’m going to sit this one out, thanks. The kids and I have decided that watching Dr. Who is more exciting.
I discovered a dark secret last night. My son, at age ten, is living up the blogger stereotype. He is unemployed, living in his parents’ basement, and wears sweatpants all day. And has his own blog, which he updates more than I update mine. I should buy him a bag of Cheetos so he can stain his fingers and keyboard and perfectly round out the image. Imagine, living the dream by ten. I need to teach him to type in all-caps and get him on Wonkette next. I guess I have one more website to monitor every day. Sigh . . .
Oh hey, I’ve found god! It turns out he was busy making podcasts and kind of tuned us all out, which explains why everybody keeps searching so hard for him. His creator, apparently, is a former Mormon. Trippy, man (yes, I am high on stress and lack of sleep).
Okay, that’s it. Hopefully the boy-child will forget to post today and I can pull ahead in the great blogger wars.
Oh, and to Cal Thomas and the rest of you halfwits who think a lame attempt to paint the Obama candidacy as a religious movement that somehow threatens your Christianity, go eat a bag of dicks. Those of us on the left and center are not the ones calling Obama “the one” or “The Messiah”, that’s you. We just consider him to be a qualified candidate for President of the United States. You’ve chosen to use imagery from your religion to ridicule the man, which only belittles yourself and your religion. Perhaps it is time for you to start practicing your faith rather than using it as a weapon.
Attention G-DUB (Tard Sauce), Penis Cheney (Evil Sauce), Walnuts McCain (Apple Sauce), Bubba Clinton (Dick Sauce), Phil Gramm (Whine Sauce) and the rest of you assholes who forgot about the whole Great Depression and thought deregulation was a good idea: It’s the deregulation, stupids! Privatized profits, socialized losses. And yet, no social health care. Why is socialism good when it comes to banks and large corporations, yet so very very evil when it comes to the actual citizens of this country?
It is apparently not fiscal conservatism that drives the Republican machine (once again, yes, I know that Clinton is not a registered Republican), but rather pure greed, hate, lies and hypocrisy. For all your bluster about the evils of socialism, you are quick to jump off your privatization high-horse and screw the average American with bailouts of your own colossal fuckups. Repeal the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, close the “Enron Loophole” and reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act. There is a reason that we built protection in there after the excitement of our first Great Depression. Honestly, it wasn’t so great, so why are you morons so keen on reliving it? Every motherfucking one of you idiots involved in deregulation should be stripped of everything you own to pay back the American people. Haven’t we learned yet that conservative values lead to a complete meltdown that apparently can only be resolved with the application of liberal values? You should all be forced to spend the next five and a half years! being repeatedly kicked in the testicles for eight hours a day. After that, if you’ve somehow accepted that greed is bad, responsibility good, we can revisit whether the kickings should continue for another five and a half years.
This is ridiculous. As an average American (too fat, not overly-bright, and fearful of change. I don’t own a gun, but am seriously considering it. Sure, I believe that religion in this country has been seriously perverted by fundamentalists, so keep your god off of me. But I am willing to drink like a fish and be bitter, so I think I still work out as somehow average), I don’t want to have to learn about Glass-Steagal, worry about how much of the country you’ve already sold to the Chinese or hear one more story about some complete moron who gets $25 million just for being the CEO of a failed institution. Just fix the shit and get the hell out of the way. Regulate, since it is obvious that when it comes to everything, we don’t consider the best interests of our planet, much less our neighbors. And please, for gods’ sakes and ours, get a fucking clue.
p.s. — As for energy independence, how is drilling more going to help when oil is globalized? It’s not like American oil stays in America. It is a (relatively) free market, you fuckwads! And besides, it sounds like when it comes to Drill Here, Drill Now!, you’re doing it wrong.
And hey, McCain, if you and Palin somehow win this thing, remember that I’ve seen a checkbook, so I am highly qualified to run the treasury under your administration. Please send me whatever paperwork I need to sign for the job.
Okay, I feel better now.
I’ve always known I was a lefty (the permanent ink smudges on my left ring finger are a dead giveaway). I did not know it was this bad, however . . . According to the guys over at Political Compass, I might as well join a commune.
To give it perspective, that’s more commie-hippie than Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama, and more Libertarian than Gandhi or Nelson, almost matching the Dalai Lama. Fortunately, they didn’t include O.J. or anyone connected to the Bush administration in the law and order questions, otherwise I would have most likely ended up somewhere to the right and north of Shrub himself.
Once again, we’re making headlines here in Northern Idaho. No cross burnings this time, but rather a hoped-for book ban. Some may say this is silly, but I say it is time. We need to stand up for what is right. No more smut in schools. But why stop there? Let’s get it out of other gathering places as well. More specifically, it is time to address smut in churches.
You want to limit our children’s exposure to descriptions of violence, rape, incest, murder and sorcery? Ban the master of smut and filth: The bible. This collection of short fiction stories covers everything from erotic poetry to bestiality and homosexuality to murder and rape, all woven against the backdrop of the story of an angry supernatural being who behaves like a very powerful amoral child, smiting and coveting humans throughout history. At one time, he knocks up a minor character called Mary and demands that the world worship the offspring of his affair, a magician named Jesus.
The first part of the book (pre-wizard) is mainly people performing acts of cruelty and having a lot of sex and the supernatural Yahweh critter throwing hissy-fits and killing people. At one point, after a lot of gay sex and people not doing what he orders even though they are supposed to have “free will” and do what they want, Yahwey says “no way” and causes the world to flood. What a pouter!
The second part covers more of the sorcery of the Jesus fellow, performing transformation spells and giving free-love hippie speeches that nobody seems to listen to. Eventually, Jesus is killed, gets reanimated, and then takes off, vowing, like the Terminator, to come back. During his moments of reanimation, Jesus was the oddest zombie I’ve ever heard of. Instead of hunting the living for brains, he gave a couple more speeches and hung out at parties, showing off the holes in his hands and drinking with his friends.
It can be a bit of a rough read, but that is because it was written by a lot of different people who didn’t seem to have a solid agreement on the motivations of the main characters, and some of whom must have been rushed to publication while all they had were their basic background notes. Heck, there are sections that are just lists of things. But, if you’re banning smut, you might as well ban the poorly-written stuff as well as the good stuff. Cheers.
Once again, I have several entries written down somewhere on yellow notepads, but no idea where I tossed the pads. Grrr . . . okay, time to move on. Yes, I am finally home, and willing to show the awesome power of the “Army of Bun.”
I’m so pretty . . .
My last excursion was up to China Town, which led me to the following discovery: I am not ready for authentic Chinese cuisine. Fried duck tongues? Pass. Snails and pork intestine in porridge? Pass. Snails and crispy fins? Yes, still pass. Speaking with the only person I know who has admitted to eating pork intestine, I learned that they “taste like crap.” Since this is coming from a Chinese woman, I am willing to accept it as an accurate assessment. Who would have guessed?- the conduit for crap tastes like crap. As the punchline goes — Alimentary, my dear Watson!
No Chinese food today. Instead, I am going to the Long Island cousins and enjoying an Easter dinner away from home. True, I would rather enjoy an Easter dinner at home, but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen this year.
Yesterday after the Natural History Museum, I had lunch at NorthWest, a café on Columbus Avenue. Halfway through my meal, Matt Dillon and his friend Lease, who were on the way out of town to visit Matt’s sister for Easter, came in and sat at the table next to me. Or maybe it was ‘Lise, I’m not sure. It sounded like Lease. Being an avid people-watcher and eavesdropper, it was great fun. While Matt fidgeted and wolfed down his eggs Benedict, I stared out the window at the gawkers. Most people walked by, oblivious to being so close to greatness, blind to the shining star that is Celebrity. Okay, I’m playing things up a bit here — most people just walked by. Really, I shouldn’t mock the famous. Considering that nobody ever comes up to me and says “Hey, you’re that guy who put all those silly comments in the C-NET web sites! You hack together some great code, man . . . can I have your autograph?”, I think I deserve the chance to mock, dammit! Crap, off-track again.
A few, though, would look in, then do a double-take. They would then slow down and whisper something to their friend, who would also turn, trying not to be too noticeable, and they would then either stare unabashedly, or argue over whether it was really Matt. Yes, everyone on Columbus Avenue in New York walks in pairs, or did so this Saturday. I just sat there, eating my wild mushroom ravioli, then later my apple cobbler, enjoying the viewing opportunities and wondering whether I should start making faces to see how many people I could distract. Is it rude to make people laugh while they are trying to stare at a celebrity?
So, what do the famous talk about? Well, Matt likes to talk about bread, pastries, and the Sicilian Mafia, the myths behind the color of blood oranges, and being in a cave. Waking up in the dark and thinking he was trapped in a cave, actually. All in all, a great day for an eavesdropping people-watcher.
Hey, what about Rental? Or Lease, or whatever her name was? Oh yeah, she had a salad (Cobb?), was very blonde with entirely too much make-up and rarely spoke. When she did, she had a habit of mangling words. Much too painful to listen to, thank you.