Oliphant Parts

Reframing Reality

Categories: Whatever

Three Minutes Is All I Ask

by Nathan

Categories: Blogging, Rants, Whatever, Writing

Tags: Ernest Hemingway, failure, NPR, sad stories, writing

Comments: 1 Comment

Published on: January 20, 2011

Damn you, NPR!. You’ve issued a challenge and now I am thinking of keeping this thing going, at least long enough to pump out six hundred words in some semblance of order. Now I need some ideas to rattle ’round in my empty head.

Six hundred is actually the maximum, not minimum, so perhaps Hemingway could provide some inspiration:

“For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

Ernest Hemingway was known for terse prose, this being him at his tersest. An entire story, emotionally charged and saying much more than is printed, in six words and three marks of punctuation. I cannot boil the story down to its essence like that. Hell, I can barely maintain control of my meandering words as they spin further and further from the point. At least I have until Sunday to figure this out. Obviously, with tears and a joke as part of the mix, there is no way I can parse it down to a single sentence. Is anybody else interested in joining me in this?

Food Rebel

by Nathan

Categories: Dining, Whatever

Tags: brewery, finger food, how not to eat, salads

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: January 17, 2011

It goes to show that I am rigid and lacking in imagination. Where she sees the sensuous dining experience of finger food, I see a fully-dressed house salad and someone who needs to pick up her damned fork. Dining at 6 Rivers is always an entertaining, albeit frequently overly-loud and understaffed, experience, and Saturday night did not disappoint. The joy of people-watching was abundant, as I scanned the crowd for sportsball fans, semi-rowdy drunks, misfits and young lovers in lust. Of the latter, it was the mid-thirties woman on what I hoped was not a first date, who had not yet learned that salad is not typically finger food. Who am I to judge? Maybe she likes the cool, creamy feeling of dressing sliding down her fingers.

At fourteen, my daughter is finally accepting that some foods should be eaten with a fork if you do not want to draw scorn or disgust from your peers. I imagine that, should I manage to convince her that salad ingredients are truly food, she will have figured out the whole fork and salad thing before long.

I turned back to look at the rest of the crowd for new entertainment. The mesmerizing set of eyeglasses on one furry fellow captivated me. Why had I not thought of extending the lifespan of older glasses by replacing the temples with pencils and rubber bands?

By the time I returned to Salad Fingers, the main course had arrived. Fortunately, the boyfriend/date/companion/victim knew what he was doing, as he ordered a pizza as the main course, saving his date from the awkwardness of trying to shovel handfuls of spaghetti into her mouth. And I am just glad she ordered salad, not soup, as the first course.

An Education

by Nathan

Categories: Family, Livestock, Rants, Whatever

Tags: breeding season, mistakes not to make near rams, now THAT was stupid, rams, sheep

Comments: No Comments

Published on: January 12, 2011

I am a firm believer that you should learn something new every day. Whether it be a new recipe, the square root of some ridiculous number, or how to julienne a carrot (you can julienne carrots, can’t you? Hm, I may have my next learning experience picked out already!), it is good to learn and to expand your horizons. With learning, comes knowledge, and a greater sense of self. You have new experiences, a richer life history, and something to look back upon, good or bad.

So what did I learn today? I am SO glad you asked that — today I learned that you should not accidentally pat the largest ram in your flock of sheep on the head, especially not during breeding season. His response will be to back up and immediately ram you in the back of the knees after you turn your back. Then when you turn around and start uttering obscenities and calling his lineage into question (with particularly horrible things said about his mother), he will look at you with eyes wide, as if to say “What? You touched my head, dude! You obviously felt it was time to butt heads, er, head and knees!” Although considering that he spends most of his day chewing cud and licking himself inappropriately, the thought process may have been less cogent and more Zen-like. What is the sound of one ram laughing? Absolute silence, if today is to judge.

C'Mon, turn around!

Cameras, Ropes and Down On All Fours . . .

by Nathan

Categories: Whatever

Tags: Moonstone Beach, sunsets, the ocean

Comments: No Comments

Published on: January 10, 2011

Monday evening and I feel the outcast. The sun sets over the Pacific, and I am the only one on Moonstone without a dog, camera or climbing equipment. Judging by the preponderance of four-legged friends and ropes, I am in the serious minority not having two, if not all three, of these.

It is warm out and the wind I was afraid would make this a bone-chilling misery, is pleasantly absent. If I weren’t such a stickler about sand in the nether-regions, I’d lie down and make sand angels. Yes, this is the place. Why did I ever leave?

It feels like Spring, which probably explains my grin. Either that, or the images, unbidden, that flit in and out of my mind when I think of cameras, ropes and down on all fours . . . Oh my! Okay, enough of that.

Common Themes For Me

by Nathan

Categories: Whatever

Tags: damn I'm lazy, home, rainy days, the Pacific Ocean, waiting for spring

Comments: No Comments

Published on: January 10, 2011

I slipped away from the pages, distracted by the move. I have no illusions; it will happen again and again. For now, if only briefly, I am back and writing down the lumps that clog my brain. Occasionally I even manage to get them from paper to computer, rather than the usual path of paper to wastebasket. Two trickles of paragraphs, one from each of the last two weekends, flow below:

There is something dead by the roadside, here on scenic drive. I will assume it is dog or deer and not human, as I have no interest in sliding down to see. Whatever it was, it was large in life, and is now just bones. I prefer the ocean as my scenery. Rocks and waves, the spray of tidal surge, sea meets stone on a grey day. There is more Pampas grass than I remember. Another invader run amok on the hills above my waves. It may be grey, and damp, and cold, and mildewed, but it is where I can be happy. A walk among the ferns and redwoods, searching for trillium or counting banana slugs and I am content. A salty tang to the breeze, the roar of storm surge and raindrops splashing on dry sand. Yes, I am home. And soon, a glass of good wine and a warm fire, and I hope to never leave the sea again.

I do not wish to wait for Spring. I cannot wait for the month of May. To smell the blossoms on the trees, apple or cherry, and hear the buzzing of the bees. I need the touch of warming weather, sunshine without the bite of winter. New lambs, budding bushes and butterflies, and me beneath a tree, special pen in hand, scribbling out nonsense and gibberish as life comes back into the world. Those are my wishes, and small and petty as they may be, they are what is consuming me.

The one constant in life we can always count on is that I will hurt you

by Nathan

Categories: Poetry, Whatever

Tags: emo, loss, poetry

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: January 7, 2011

Oh hey! It’s a crappy poetry day! I need to get out more, I think. I see the sun shining through the blinds, but I’m sitting here with bad lighting, pain and a seriously funky attitude just beyond the sunbeams.

Yes you’re beautiful
and I love you so
Too bad I have to lie
and never tell you though

If the truth sets you free
I’ll spend my life in slavery
Fearful of what you’d say
or what you thought of me

You are so beautiful
it hurts to know
I always want to hold you
but I cannot do so

You’ll never be mine,
I’ll always be yours
silently waiting
for a love that doesn’t know

Destroy me, caress me
Set me free, please
I don’t know how much longer
I can live with thoughts like these

Yes you’re beautiful
and I love you so.

Brain, Pain, Egg

by Nathan

Categories: Family, Photography, Whatever

Tags: Aqua, injuries, John Hiatt, pain

Comments: Comments Off

Published on: April 6, 2010

My shoulder has improved a bit, but is still painful to use, and my left arm is still considerably weaker. I need to go back for a recheck and to discuss surgical options, but I really do not feel like being hacked open. If only I were a Lego figurine, the doctor could just snap a new arm on and I would be on my way. Oh, to be shiny and plastic . . . oh crap!- now I’ve got Aqua’s Barbie Girl stuck in my head. Damn damn damn! If it’s going to be Barbie, I’d rather have John Hiatt’s Wreck of the Barbie Ferrari mushing up my mind.

Speaking of mush, here’s what has been on my mind of late:

Reform

by Nathan

Categories: Politics, Rants, Whatever

Tags: health care, immigration, reform, waffles

Comments: Comments Off

Published on: March 22, 2010

So, health care reform passed. My daughter’s civics teacher is going to be ticked. She (a public school teacher, her salary paid for via taxes) feels that her taxes shouldn’t be spent to help other people. Not very civic-minded . . . I’m not sure why the TeaBag Army, or whatever they are calling themselves these days, as so upset — we are still letting insurance companies extort their customers and there’s no public option. Still, I suppose the President is still black, so perhaps that is their primary complaint. Poor Baggers. Is it too early to start pushing for an updated HCR with the public option?

I really expected this health care thing to fail. I even planned out my giant Democratic Waffle Breakfast, in honor of our giant Democratic Waffling. Instead I am dining on Hope and Change (and a shrimp omelette with rosemary potato wedges). It will be interesting to see how this plays out here in Idaho. Our dimwitted governor has already promised to fight health care reform, suing the federal government and throwing a giant hissy fit. I assume he plans on holding his breath until he passes out. Idahoans are not a very health-oriented lot. We would rather keep our heavily-leaded lakes and gorgeous phosphate and heavy metal polluted streams, trusting that the brain damage from all of the toxins keep the populace from thinking about silly things like their health. It is beautiful up here, but for those of us who feel we should be working towards a common good, rather lonely.

So, now that there is some sort of health care reform, it’s time to get all Hopey-Changey on President Obama’s immigration reform pledge. After months of hearing how all of us libs are ramming health care down the throats of the cons, I am ready to ram something new down the throats of the Screeching Minority. Why do I feel tingly all of a sudden? . . .

Attraction and Revulsion

by Nathan

Categories: Whatever

Tags: No Tags

Comments: Comments Off

Published on: March 12, 2010

I can hear the chocolate calling me. I’ve given in, sucking down a dozen dark chocolate, cocoa-dusted almonds over the last hour, and still they cry out to me. Jennie claimed that urges are your body telling you you need something. Does this mean I am low on dusted chocolate pleasure?

Not speaking of which, I have been thinking of earlier days and phone calls I had received while working in a veterinary hospital. And still wondering how a person could possibly discover that she is allergic to guinea pig semen. I wouldn’t think that your average person, allergic or not, would ever discover said allergy. Now please excuse me while I go bleach my brain again.

Ouch

by Nathan

Categories: Whatever

Tags: No Tags

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: February 16, 2010

Fucking hell. I’ve missed two days of exercise, and I feel like crap. I wrenched my left shoulder on Sunday, moving the pool table for Vally’s Valentine Party. Dramatically increasing my chocolate and sugar intake while eliminating exercise does not seem to have fixed things. I can barely move my left arm, and typing is now a one-handed affair. I think I need either more alcohol or more muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories. Too bad I cannot work or think when I’m medicated enough to be pain-free. This is going to be a fun week.

«page 3 of 24»