Let’s get this started properly, shall we? First, a Porn Orchard homage to Tom Waits and Peter Murphy. There, I feel better now.
I’ve been away a while, as one or two of you may have noticed. And if you didn’t, then in the spirit of the season, fuck off and die. Oh, it’s going to be one of THOSE mornings, is it? Yes, it is. So, Christmas came early this year, wandering in the day before Thanksgiving, covered in vomit and false cheer. We cleaned it up the best we could and put it to bed with a warm fire and a glass of hot cider. It was dead by morning and the cider had spilled all over the wife’s favorite comforter. The holidays are no longer welcome here.
Why so quiet the past month? Well, as in the adorable holiday tale above, we did have visitors the day before Thanksgiving. One of Jennie’s many sisters stopped by for an unexpected holiday surprise and ended up staying through Christmas. Her husband’s penis tripped and fell into another woman, possibly for years, which apparently wasn’t an approved part of their marriage. So, he sent his wife and daughter away and we ended up with a matching set of emotional wrecks for the season. It’s been an eventful month, and I am glad to see it gone. Now if only someone would shovel away the four feet or so of snow that blocks my basement window so I can watch the car crashes, I would be a happy man.
Ooh! Speaking of car crashes, we got to see a complete moron (CM) try to remove himself from the gene pool. Unfortunately, no semis were heading the opposite direction, so it was a futile attempt. As some of you know, it’s a bit stormy this time of year. Around here, that means we’ve had several feet of snow and the roads are ice slicks. We were out later than we wanted to be the other night, helping the aforementioned sister-in-law get her washer hooked up properly, and had to head home after dark. Silly me decided to go 30 in a 45 zone when I should have been doing 25. In my defense, everyone else (except CM) was also driving 30. CM, however, in a shiny red coupe and going almost twice the speed of the rest of us, decided to pass me on the right, then whip back into my lane to avoid crashing into the car in front of him. Did I mention that the roads were very icy and that there was snow everywhere? Good. So, for those of you raised by chimpanzees and unaware of such subtleties, driving on ice and driving on dry pavement are two different experiences. On dry pavement, whipping in and out of traffic isn’t that big a deal, although it does tend to piss off the other drivers that you are constantly tailgating and cutting off. On icy/snowy pavement, you tend to fishtail around a bit, which only gets worse if you also slam on your brakes. Eventually, you end up spinning circles as you slide uncontrollably into oncoming traffic. Fortunately, said oncoming traffic was sparse enough and far enough back that CM avoided being hit. I managed to avoid braking and fishtailing, and was quite glad CM ended up in the opposite lane rather than in front of me, as I would have broadsided him. The once polite former Mormon sitting next to me turned and screamed obscenities at the dazed CM as we drove past. I just breathed deeply and let the adrenaline fade. The kids in the back cowered, wondering who exactly their mother was swearing at and how long until they could start using that language.
So how was your winter holiday season?