Going home
Good news if you’re me: The 777 I was aboard did not in fact go down in flames. So other than being in the sardine section, it wasn’t too bad. I almost missed my flight due to incredibly slow gas pumps at Conoco: I shouldn’t be able to count faster than the thousandths field in the pump, should I? It must be nice being the only gas station anywhere near the Denver International Airport. Anyway, twenty minutes later I had my five gallons of gas and headed back to the airport, just in time to miss the shuttle from Hertz to the terminal. Since I had a middle seat, I’m sure the people I displaced to sit down must’ve been just joyed to see me coming.
Here’s an odd question: If workplace shootings are a bad thing, why are we even considering permitting more guns in the workplace? Is the idea to make sure everyone is equally armed? Or is this part of our new social security system? Try to get the workers to kill each other off before retirement . . . Seems like a no-brainer to me. Maybe that’s the problem though; I have a brain.
So, here I am in SFO yet again, waiting for my flight. I much prefer the jet; usually I have to take an EMB-120. Nothing like the whine of a turbo-prop. It wouldn’t be so bad if it would stay constant. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. The frequent change of pitch is somewhat difficult to get used to. Especially when everything in the plane starts shaking and you realize that the baling wire, duct tape and used chewing gum holding the aircraft together probably won’t last much longer. Did I mention I’m glad to be taking the jet tonight?
I should become a steward: “In the event of a water landing, you will die. Don’t worry about grabbing the seat cushion for flotation: The water is too cold and if you somehow manage to survive the impact and don’t drown before exiting the aircraft, you will die of hypothermia . . . fasten your seatbelt low and tight across your waist so that you will be disemboweled in the event of a crash. If you do not fasten your seatbelt low and tight across your waist, you will not be distracted by the disemboweling in those last few seconds before the giant ball of fire that was the aircraft incinerates you . . . tampering with, disabling, or disconnecting the smoke detector will result in you being expelled from the aircraft. In flight. Don’t do it. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Please try not to vomit in your mask, as it is not effective in this manner. A loss of cabin pressure will not kill you. It’s the following crash and giant fireball that will kill you . . . thank you, and have a nice flight!” Okay, time to board.
