Have you seen the new Nader ad?  The ad where he talks to his parrot about how nobody loves him?  So sad.  If it weren’t for the crackers, even the bird would leave him.  If he promised to make the bird his vice president, I think a Nader presidency would be awesome!  I imagine him holding a peace conference, bird on his shoulder, everyone agreeing with his demands, too mesmerized by the sight of the leader of the free world with parrot shit dripping down his back.  He’d be the first president in history to acknowledge “Talk like a pirate day.”  Okay, more likely “Smell like a pirate day,” but still awesome.  Nader/Shoulder Shitter ’08!

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All things considered, I’d rather be home in bed.  My ever-loving, sharing kids felt I might enjoy their colds, so here I am in Salt Lake City trying to maintain consciousness, snorting back the glow of green goodness from my sinuses and occasionally hacking up a giant ball of yellow oozy from my lungs.  The guy sitting next to me on the first leg of my flight found a seat elsewhere after spending two minutes next to me.  Hopefully the final leg will be fairly empty.

At least I am able to focus now.  The drive to the airport consisted of me minimizing my blinks, remembering to open my eyes again after each one and trying like hell to keep the world focused.  It didn’t help that I have a burnt-out headlight, nor did it help that everything kept spinning.  Rain, darkness and vertigo are not the best conditions for doing seventy.

And for anyone who cares, my dog can make a better Cappuccino than Starbucks.  And all the dog has to work with is urine, mud and some twigs.  Is this a Mormon conspiracy or just a shitty product?

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Twelve hours from now, I begin my journey to Humboldt County. Vishnu willing, I should be there by noon tomorrow. Oh, the joy; walking to the beach and kicking back in the sand to work on my fog tan. Well, almost. I’m actually still going to be working. But at least I will be in Humboldt, feeling my lungs mildew over and enjoying the fresh scent of the pulp mill blowing across the bay. Aspergillus, here I come!

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Attention G-DUB (Tard Sauce), Penis Cheney (Evil Sauce), Walnuts McCain (Apple Sauce), Bubba Clinton (Dick Sauce), Phil Gramm (Whine Sauce) and the rest of you assholes who forgot about the whole Great Depression and thought deregulation was a good idea: It’s the deregulation, stupids! Privatized profits, socialized losses. And yet, no social health care. Why is socialism good when it comes to banks and large corporations, yet so very very evil when it comes to the actual citizens of this country?

It is apparently not fiscal conservatism that drives the Republican machine (once again, yes, I know that Clinton is not a registered Republican), but rather pure greed, hate, lies and hypocrisy. For all your bluster about the evils of socialism, you are quick to jump off your privatization high-horse and screw the average American with bailouts of your own colossal fuckups. Repeal the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, close the “Enron Loophole” and reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act. There is a reason that we built protection in there after the excitement of our first Great Depression. Honestly, it wasn’t so great, so why are you morons so keen on reliving it? Every motherfucking one of you idiots involved in deregulation should be stripped of everything you own to pay back the American people. Haven’t we learned yet that conservative values lead to a complete meltdown that apparently can only be resolved with the application of liberal values? You should all be forced to spend the next five and a half years! being repeatedly kicked in the testicles for eight hours a day. After that, if you’ve somehow accepted that greed is bad, responsibility good, we can revisit whether the kickings should continue for another five and a half years.

This is ridiculous. As an average American (too fat, not overly-bright, and fearful of change. I don’t own a gun, but am seriously considering it. Sure, I believe that religion in this country has been seriously perverted by fundamentalists, so keep your god off of me. But I am willing to drink like a fish and be bitter, so I think I still work out as somehow average), I don’t want to have to learn about Glass-Steagal, worry about how much of the country you’ve already sold to the Chinese or hear one more story about some complete moron who gets $25 million just for being the CEO of a failed institution. Just fix the shit and get the hell out of the way. Regulate, since it is obvious that when it comes to everything, we don’t consider the best interests of our planet, much less our neighbors. And please, for gods’ sakes and ours, get a fucking clue.

p.s. — As for energy independence, how is drilling more going to help when oil is globalized? It’s not like American oil stays in America. It is a (relatively) free market, you fuckwads! And besides, it sounds like when it comes to Drill Here, Drill Now!, you’re doing it wrong.

And hey, McCain, if you and Palin somehow win this thing, remember that I’ve seen a checkbook, so I am highly qualified to run the treasury under your administration. Please send me whatever paperwork I need to sign for the job.

Okay, I feel better now.

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How sad. Back in 2001, The Onion provided us a look at 8 years of G-Dub, and yet there were still enough idiots voting for him the second time around to allow him to continue his reign of destruction. Thanks, idiots. Apparently democracy is not the answer if a majority of your population is easily distracted by scary words and shiny things. Can we please retire him and his entire administration to Guantanamo now?

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In keeping with Wall Street, we’ve decided to liquidate a bunch of our assets. So far, we’ve dumped a giant I (8.5 feet tall), sold a small boat, Jennie’s motorcycle and a couple of other things. At this rate, we should be able to afford hobo bindles for the whole family by next week!

Considering that Jennie’s cycling career came to a screeching halt during her riders’ training course when she ran over her instructor, I think we’ve made a wise choice here by selling off the bike. Everything else will help us live the good life during the great hobo uprising of 2009. Say, anybody out there in the market for a slightly used worm farm or a diving board pedestal?

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Great. It looks like my bank is going under fast, and the F.D.I.C. may not have the funds to cover our deposits without begging some from the Treasury. Is it time to stuff my mattress with money, or does it really matter at this point? At what point will we need a wheelbarrow full of dollars to buy a loaf of bread? I have the wheelbarrow, but I may need my paper money for bookmarks, toilet paper and other more constructive items. Isn’t a conservative, deregulated America great?

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So . . . if you were on the docks in Ketchikan when the Island Princess docked this past June, and you were pelted by ice cream sandwiches and chocolates from one of the ship’s balconies, I sincerely apologize on behalf of my children. Honestly, they weren’t raised by wolves.

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How exactly does McCain plan on rescuing the economy from a disaster he helped create? More hands-off policies, like the ones he championed for and that have led to our current problems? Or perhaps by letting Sarah “Economic Death” Palin run the show economically? Either way, we’re screwed. Since “conservative” now means spend rampantly and dismantle all safeguards, I don’t think that is really the best direction for our country to continue in.

Prattling on that our economy is fundamentally strong and simultaneously in a total crisis seems to send a mixed message. Blaming it on Washington (I assume he actually means D.C., since Washington the state has little influence over the running of the nation), is not the greatest tactic either, considering that most people not suffering from rectal-headinsertionism have already noticed that it is the McCain/Palin party that has been running the show for almost 8 years now, which coincidentally is about the length of time that things have started really falling apart.

If I gave a damn at this point, I’d link to statements from the McCain camp that after a lifetime of fighting for deregulation, McCain supports new regulations now. Hey McCain, instead of new regulations, how about reinstating the ones we already had that were working? I realize that it would put a serious crimp in your attempts to increase the wealth of the top 10% or so at the cost of the rest of us, but every once in a while shouldn’t you try to do the honorable thing (you remember honor, don’t you? Your ghost writer defined it in your five books. Although since that was before you became a caricature of an angry old man, ranting at the clouds and reliving his favorite “five and a half years!”, perhaps you don’t)?

As long as America is going to vote Whitey McMelanoma rather than Uppity Hopeman into office, I have to accept that we’re pretty much screwed. How about this time we vote for the candidate with the brain rather than the candidate we’d rather have the beer with, please? Pretty please?

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